I had been having a harder time than usual last week. So much so that I actually didn’t want to write about it while I was going through it. It’s funny how that works. How I seem to run away from wanting to delve into my feelings until I’ve passed that rough patch.
I don’t even know what in particular caused it to be a stressful week, I just know I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin. It is a rather disconcerting feeling to feel foreign in your own body. To feel like you can’t seem to escape a negativity that your mind forces upon you. Strange, to feel like your own brain is the enemy, working against you.
It had been tougher to get up in the morning. It had been tougher to socialize with people face to face. It had been tougher to leave the house. Shit, I even started worrying about my upcoming trip to Orlando (THIS IS A HUGE DEAL – I’M VERY FUCKING EXCITED ABOUT THIS TRIP, there shall be no worrying about something this fun!).
So, what did I do? I put on a brave face, I smiled, I even forced myself to socialize (not just on Twitter).
I smiled and forced myself into uncomfortable situations. I smiled and forced myself to continue functioning. I smiled, and eventually… I started to believe my own smile. I quite literally faked it ‘till I made it. By forcing myself to be brave, I worked through my discomfort, I worked through my fears rather than giving into them. This does not come easily to me – so needless to say I’m super freaking proud of myself *pats self on back*.
That’s the thing with anxiety, or at least the thing with MY anxiety disorder, sometimes it’s so prominent you can’t breathe, and other times it’s been dormant for long enough that you can almost start to feel normal (or what you think is normal anyways). And sometimes, you find yourself strong enough to surpass that hard spell without a scratch in sight. You come out of the thicket, literally stronger than when you went in. I suppose I just need to remember this the next time I’m having a hard time – remember that I have done this before, and I can do it again (as many times as I will need to).
So hang in there, there is light at the end of the tunnel. It’s okay if you can’t fake the smile or force yourself to do today that which seems impossible – cut yourself some slack, but definitely keep trying. Try tomorrow, the day after that, keep trying, don’t give up on searching for that light. I am constant proof that ups and downs will come – live for the ups, live through the downs.