Potty… Training?

Potty training.

The goddamn bane of my existence. I think that attempting this (note how I say attempting… not succeeding) has caused a new level of frustration and anxiety I did not know that I could experience. I mean, it seems like such a simple concept – pull down pants, aim, fire… and yet my 2 year old does not get it.

I am not a big fan of parenting books, they tend to scare me more than help me in the sense that they make me question pretty much every single parenting choice I’ve made, but I did read a potty training book before I even attempted this feat. I didn’t know how to even approach the topic of teaching my child, who had been in diapers since about 5 minutes after being ripped out of my uterus, how to stop using diapers and start doing his “kakas” like a big boy!

I read the “Oh crap! Potty Training: Everything Modern Parents Need to Know to Do It Once and Do It Right” book by Jamie Glowacki. I figured the title was funny so why not give it a shot (and also I googled profusely and this one was recommended). This book made sense of everything, every single little aspect of potty training, from theory to execution, and promised that in ideal conditions this skill could be mastered in three days (in all fairness – it did say it often takes longer, but I assumed that I WAS the ideal conditions)! I was set, I was gung-ho, I was READY. I had psyched myself up so hard, this was going to happen. I took a Friday off of work, made it an extra long weekend, and decided that this was going to be the holy grail of weekends – my kid was going to be potty trained by Monday. I even over prepared and notified the daycare that all diapers were going to be gone, so they better be ready to take my kid to the toilet every half hour come Monday morning.

Friday came around, day 1 of potty training, and I told my 2 year old that diapers were going ‘bye bye’ because he was a big boy now and he didn’t need them anymore. Today he was going to graduate to doing the deed like a man (I mean, TMI, but his poops are grown man sized so why can’t he do them in the big boy toilet like a man? – faultless logic.) We started naked, as I was instructed to do (note, he was naked, I was not), and I proceeded to watch him like a hawk looking for the famous cue, and to be sure to catch him and sit him on the potty every time he started to pee. Needless to say day 1 was a disaster, I hadn’t had to clean this much urine off of my floor since potty training my dog (may he rest in peace).

Day 2, Saturday, at least today I had backup! Papa was home. We spent the day in a continued chase, attempting to catch my kid before he peed all over the furniture. I should probably get a new couch, we were not successful.

At this point my aunt showed up, laughed at our efforts, and told us to start regularly sitting him on the potty before he even started peeing. I was against this, because the book clearly stated that we had to watch him like a hawk and notice his ‘cue’ so that we could learn when he needed to go pee, BEFORE he started to pee. Clearly this method wasn’t working because my child was just like a leaky faucet, going about his business while peeing – he wouldn’t even stop to finish the act, he would just continue playing with his cars and peeing on them all the while, super duper hygienic. So I figured, why the hell not, maybe sitting him regularly on the potty, and hoping that one of the times he sat down he would actually pee, would be less rage-inducing, so we tried that. This method was a significant boost to my potty training ego, it was actually working! My kid wasn’t asking to go pee, but at least he was peeing on the potty. Unfortunately, this method eventually backfired.

Day 5 of potty training – my kid has been at daycare for a few days, he’s gone through about 500 pairs of soaked through pants, and has now started full out screaming at the potty in terror whenever he’s near it (the book says this is because I’ve over-prompted him… no duh). My laundry machine has also gone on strike and has been protesting the constant washing of soaked pants (and a big thank you to the daycare teachers for attempting to help with potty training, its not easy, especially with 15 other kids, but I really wish you had thrown the poop out of the pants before tying the entire mess up in a plastic baggy and sending it home). At this point my husband is also protesting, he is no longer on board – “maybe he’s just too young, he’s clearly not getting it”, no DEAR he’s not too young because that’s not part of my plan, I decided that now was potty training time so either get on board or get out of my way. The rage has begun ladies and gentlemen, if you’re not on the same page as me then get out of my damn book.

Day 7 – we’re going on a 4 day anniversary vacation and leaving the baby with my mama. She can deal with potty training, she’s a Russian mother and she was always the boss mama she’ll get the devil to piss in the pot!

Day 10 – we’re back from vacation, now I’ve got the rage about returning to responsibility and leaving my Mexican sexroom hotelroom (maybe I need anger management, clearly I’m raging too often). I have learned that my mother is not in fact a boss mama when it comes to her grandchild. My toddler has worked his magic and turned her into an ooey gooey Babushka. Fail.

Day 11 – we’re back to the husband fighting me at every turn about potty training. Daycare has begun to hint that they think my kid isn’t ready either. I am flying solo, and it feels really damn lonely over here. Now every time my 2 year old pisses his pants my mood drops below sealevel and I’ve got tears or sadness, frustration, and loneliness brewing. I pull an asshole move and dump the husband and child at home and disappear for an hour to cool off (note, if my husband pulled this crap and just disappeared I would have kicked his ass so hard it would have been too sore to even sleep on the couch, yes I have profusely apologized, my bad!)

Day 12 – my kid peed on my bed and through my mattress protector. I put the diapers back on.

Trained in three days my ass. At least we’ve now graduated to pull-ups…

How has potty training been going for you? Any tips and tricks that seemed to really work? I swear I have official potty PTSD, I’m actually terrified to attempt this again.

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I'm not just a parent with an Anxiety Disorder, I'm a really damn good Mom. Or so I keep telling myself daily. Join me as I try to figure out what works on this wild ride of coping and parenting.

2 thoughts on “Potty… Training?

  1. Potty training is very stressful. Boys seem to be the most difficult. I raised two and both were hard. After approximately day 3 with my youngest I remember dropping him off to my mothers and running for the hills. She had him going by the time the weekend was over. Go figure. Good luck to you! It does get easier and eventually he will go.

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